Run That By Me Again

Updated: 03-08

The following are stories, some funny, some serious, that have been sent to me.  If you know who the author is for any of these stories, please let me know so I can give credit.  If any author objects to the use of  their material on this site, I will remove it.  New pieces are added on top of each section. 
 

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description.  Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!  And remember this motto to live by:  Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

Some More Quotes

Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the heck happened.  Cora Havey Armstrong

 

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.  But I can usually shut her up with cookies. Unknown

 

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. Helen hayes (at 73)

 

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows. Janette Barber

 

My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first one being--hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.  Erma Bombeck

 

Old age ain't no place for sissies.  Bette Davis

 

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.  Caryn Leschen

 

If you can't be a good example--then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.  Catherine

 

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.  Roseanne Barr

 

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.  Maryone Pearson

 

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over--we'll lament together and plot for our personal world domination whilst boosting each other's self-esteem.

FREE BBQ Grills.

As every Southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the South--outdoor grilling!

I have just found out that there are several stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill!  You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

A&P

Albertsons

costco

Dan's

Food Lion

Fry's

Home Depot

Kroger

Big Lots

Brookshire's

Lowes

Publix

Sam's Club

Target

Vons

Trader Joe's

Walmart

Winn-Dixie

 

I especially like the higher rack--which can be used for keeping things warm!

 

Just make sure to get a metal one...the Plastic one's don't do so well.  (I melted 3 of them.) Ya'll enjoy now!  Ya Hear!

Forgive Your Enemies

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.  About half held up their hands.  Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.  This time he received a response of eighty percent.  Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question.  With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"

"Ninety-three."

"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy.  I just outlived them all!" 

Hospital Bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,"

The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Sick in Church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."�
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy.� They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

• IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

• IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

• IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

• ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

• OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

• QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

• NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

• IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

• SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

• SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't
  know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

• NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

• MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

• ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

• SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

This blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Yes, I Sure am," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy too," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went toward the San Diego Zoo......

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde woman walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.......

What the heck are you doing here ?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

The Cell Phone and the Blonde

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

The Blonde and the License:

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your stupid act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

The Blonde in the Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

The Blonde Student:

The blonde reported for her university final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads, No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, I'm checking my answers."

The Blonde and The Iron

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back."

Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with Aids

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Church Dinner for Eight!!

 A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize,
and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.  When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They cost too much."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So - Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible.

"We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left." They were all pretty weak sitting around the living room.

Then the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!"

In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.  Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination.  Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible.

The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true. She took her son' s hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"

Mommy, "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up."

Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."  Later that day she went to her local fire Department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.

Fireman Bob said,  "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.

He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!  And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform  for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy --
one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast." 

Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven.

There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program.

Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.

One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.

The chief replied, "We can do better than that.  We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire?" "It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"

About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.

With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?"

"Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said.

With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and The angels have been singing.." He closed his eyes one last time.  

Shoes in Church

I showered and shaved

I adjusted my tie
I got there and sat

In a pew just in time.

Bowing my head in prayer

As I closed my eyes
I saw the shoe of the man next to me

Touching my own. I sighed.

With plenty of room on either side 

I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine

But it didn't bother him much.

A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, 

"This man with the shoes,  has no pride
They're dusty, worn, and scratched 

Even worse, there are holes on the side!"

"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on
The shoe man said............... A quiet "Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer

But my thoughts were on his shoes again.

Aren't we supposed to look our best 

When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, 

Glancing toward the floor.

Then the prayer was ended 

And the songs of praise began
The shoe man was certainly loud

Sounding proud as he sang.

His voice lifted the rafters 

His hands were raised high
The Lord could surely hear

The shoe man's voice from the sky.

It was time for the offering

And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached 

Into his pockets so deep.

I saw what was pulled ou

What the shoe man put in
Then I heard a soft "clink" 

As when silver hits tin.

The sermon really bored me

To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man

For tears fell from his eyes.

At the end of the service

As is the custom here
We must greet new visitors, 

And show them all good cheer.

But I felt moved somehow

And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer

I reached over and shook his hand.

He was old and his skin was dark 

And his hair was truly a mess
But I thanked him for coming

For being our guest.

He said, "My names' Charlie

I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes

But he had a large, wide grin.

"Let me explain," he said

Wiping tears from his eyes;
"I've been coming here for months 

And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"

"I know that my appearance

"Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try

"To always look my best."

"I always clean and polish my shoes

"Before my very long walk
"But by the time I get here

"They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."

My heart filled with pain

And I swallowed to hide my tears
As he continued to apologize

For daring to sit so near.

He said, "When I get here

"I know I must look a sight
"But I thought if I could touch you

"Then maybe our souls might unite."

I was silent for a moment

Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison

I spoke from my heart, not my head.

"Oh, you've touched me," I said,

"And taught me, in part,
"That the best of any man

"Is what is found in his heart."

The rest, I thought,

This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am

That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.

You are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.
I respect you, and truly cherish you.

 The following true story illustrates the power of human concern--even in  the face of intense competition. 

 In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning-disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire school career, while others can be main streamed into conventional Jewish schools.  At a Chush fundraising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. 

 After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son Shaya?  Everything God does is done with perfection.  But my child cannot understand things as other children do.  My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?"  The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. 

 I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that He seeks is in the way people react to this child."  He then told the following story about his son Shaya: 

 One afternoon Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were playing baseball.  Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"  Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team.  But Shaya's father understood that if his son were chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging.  Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shaya could play. 

 The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.  I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."  Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly.  Shaya was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field. 

 In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.  In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up.  Would the team actually let Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?  Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat.  Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it.  However, as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at least be able to make contact. 

 The first pitch came in and Shaya swung clumsily and missed.  One of Shaya's teammates came up to Shaya and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch.  The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya.  As the pitch came in, Shaya and his teammate swung the bat and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher.  The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman.  Shaya would have been out and that would have ended the game. 

 Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman.  Everyone started yelling, "Shaya, run to first. Run to first!"  Never in his life had Shaya run to first.  He scampered down the baseline wide eyed and startled.  By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman that would tag out Shaya, who was still running. 

 But, the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head.  Everyone yelled,  "Run to second, run to second."  Shaya ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home.  As Shaya reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted,  "Run to third."  As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shaya run home!"  Shaya ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grandslam" and won the game for his team. 

 "That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection." 

Two little brothers had become the terrors of their neighborhood. They were in constant trouble at school and had every neighbor irritated. 

The mother asked her priest to talk to them.  The gentleman told the mother he wished to speak to the boys one at a time. 

The youngest one went to the church first and was ushered into the study.  There he looked across a huge desk at his priest who said, "My son, where is God?" 

The child looked around the room, but made no answer, so the priest asked with more insistence, "Where is God? 

Obviously agitated and squirming the mischief maker had no answer so after a very long silence, the priest got out of his chair, stood right by the kid's chair looking like he wanted no more funny business, demanded, "Where is God?" 

At that the boy jumped from his chair and bolted out the door.  He ran all the way to his house and his own room.  He pulled his bigger brother into their closet, the closet where they planned all their mischief and in the dark he gasped, "We are in b-i-i-i-g trouble. God's missing and they think we did it!" 
 
 

Y-to-K a SERIOUS Issue 

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. 

We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.  We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.  We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: 

Januark 
Februark 
March 
April 
Mak 
June 
Julk 
August 
September 
October 
November 
December 

As well as: 

Sundak 
Mondak 
Tuesdak 
Wednesdak 
Thursdak 
Fridak 
Saturdak 

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y-to-K" problem has made any sense to me.  But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.  And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?  Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?  We'll await your direction. 

Sincerely, 
Y-to-K Project Manager 
 

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have  dinner with God.  During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people-Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!" 

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I  have two really bad announcements to make.  First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth." 

Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth  tomorrow." 

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements!  First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!" 

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.  "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.  "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.  It seems to be just one of those freak accidents. 

To read more Darwin Awards go to:  Official Darwin Awards website or go to:  http://www.officialdarwinawards.com/index.html 
 
 

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot  was fully-grown, had a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least,  rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angrier and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was quiet. 

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made for such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
 

Dyslexics have more fnu 

Clones are people, two 

Entropy isn't what it used to be 

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses 

Eschew obfuscation 

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW! 

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor 

Anything free is worth what you pay for it 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization 

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

Editing is a rewording activity 

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy 

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure 

My reality check just bounced 

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art 

What if there were no hypothetical questions? 

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery 

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway 

Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo! 

IRS  - Be audit you can be 
 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son." 

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, focused on the plaque. 

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. 

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. 

Soberly, they stood together staring at the large plaque. 

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" 
 

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF RAWHIDE ! 

Loading, loading, loading, 
Darn this Java coding, 
Feeling of foreboding, Reload! 
The Applet says it's running, 
And that big gray block is stunning, 
But the screen remains as blank as my mind 

Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! 
Logging on, Still off-line! 
Reload! 
Try it now, Still not up! 
Netscape crashed, What, again? 
Boot it up, Log it in, 
Reload! 

Tighten, tweaking', smoothen, 
They say the codes improvin', 
So how come I'm still usin' "reload"? 
I'm tired of all this waitin', 
Just give me .gif animation, 
This code is only good for wasting time, 
The applet says it's running, 
And gray block is quite stunning, 
But the screen remains as blank as my mind, 

                   (Midi solo) 
                   beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, 
                   beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, 
                   beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, 
                   beep, beep,
                   beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, 
                   beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, 
                   beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, 
                   beep, beep, 

Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! 
Net goes down, Dial back! 
Logging on, Still off-line! 
Reload! 
Try it now, Still not up! 
Netscape crashed, What, again? 
Boot it up, Log it in, 
Reload! Reload!
 

A burglar is in a darkened house going through drawers when he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He is startled, but keeps stealing.  Again he hears the voice: "Jesus is watching you."

This time he shines his flashlight around the room until it shines on a parrot in a cage.   He goes up to the parrot and says, "Is your name Jesus?"

The parrot replies, "My name is 'Moses."

The burglar laughs and says, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot responds, "The same kind who would name their pit bull Jesus."  And Jesus is watching you!"
 

How Many ???? Does it Take To Screw in a Light Bulb?

 How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 
        None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        What kind of answer did you have in mind?

How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? 
        The entire team, and they all get three college credits each for it.

How many figure skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        Two, one to do it and one to knock the ladder out from under her.

How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        Like...hey, WOOOOW, man, it's *dark*!

How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        One, but it takes twelve steps.

How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? 
        None - Did they have light bulbs in great-great-great-great-granddad's day?

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        It doesn't matter; they think that all the available bulbs won't light up.

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better.

How many dysfunctional family members does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
        Light bulb? What light bulb?
 
 

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Darn clock always was slow." 
 

FEDEX just bought out UPS. The new company is going to be called "FEDUP". 
 
 

He came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting,  "honey I am home!"  What should he see but his friend in bed with his wife.  Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. 

"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"

Jack was looking over greeting cards. 

The salesman said, "Here's a nice one == "TO THE ONLY GIRL I EVER LOVED." 

"Great," said Jack. "I'll take six." 

There was a little boy with a bad temper.  His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his  temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.  The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.  Then it gradually dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. 

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.  He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.  The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.   The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. 

He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.  The fence will never be the same.  When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.  It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.  A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

There was a woman who was a consultant.  Every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died.  Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. 

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem.  You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a consultant make it this far and we're  not really sure what to do with you." 

 "No problem, just let me in." said the consultant. 

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.  What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one  you want to spend an eternity in." 

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" 

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went down-down - down to hell.  The doors opened and  the consultant  found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a  beautiful golf course.  In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends and fellow consultants that she had worked with and  they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering  for her.  They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.  They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. 

The consultant was having such a good time that before  she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her  hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.  The  elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. 

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."  So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.  She had a  great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. 

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.  Now you must choose your eternity." 

The consultant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." 

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. S he saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 

"I don't understand," stammered the consultant,  yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and  a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of 
garbage and all my friends look miserable." 

The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because  yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff." 

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the clerk,
"What is that shiny object?" 

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." 

The blonde then asks, "What does it do?" 

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold things
cold."

The blonde says, "I'll take it!" 

The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her blonde boss sees
her and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" 

She said, "It's a thermos." 

The boss then says, "What does it do?" 

She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" 

The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
 

Is It Full Yet?

One day a time management expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him.  Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"  Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" 

He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel.  Then he dumped some gravel in and shook  the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him.  "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!"  he replied. 

He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel.  Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!"  the class shouted.  Once again he said, "Good!" 

Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point.  The truth this illustration teaches us is:  If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."

What are the 'big rocks' in your life?

• A project that YOU want to accomplish?
• Time with your loved ones?
• Your faith in God?? your education, your finances?
• A cause? Teaching or mentoring others?

If  lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow

• that electricians can be delighted, 
• musicians denoted, 
• cowboys deranged, 
• models deposed and 
• dry cleaners depressed?

• bedmakers will be debunked, 
• baseball players will be debased,
• landscapers will be deflowered, 
• bulldozer operators will be degraded,
• organ donors will be delivered, 
• software engineers will be detested, 
• the BVD company will be debriefed, 
• and even music composers will eventually decompose.

The Perfect Story
.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a 
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together 
 was, of course, perfect. 
.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving 
 a perfect car (a Lamborghini) along a winding road when they 
 noticed someone at the roadside in distress.  Being the perfect 
 couple, they stopped to help. 
.
 There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting 
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect 
 couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 4WD!). 
.
 Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.  Unfortunately, the 
 driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus 
 had an accident.  Only one of them survived the accident.  Who was the 
 survivor?   (scroll down for the answer) 
 

The Perfect Woman
.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place. 
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus 
and there is no such thing as a perfect man. 
.
 HA HA SAY THE MEN!! 
.
 *A MALE's RESPONSE* 
 ------------------- 
 So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, 
 the perfect woman must have been driving. 
This explains why there was a car accident!! 
 

 The Cat in the Box

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven.  There he meets the Lord Himself.  The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know".  The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."  The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. 

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven.  Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer.  The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms.  Running, running, running; we're tired of running.  Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"   The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. 

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.  The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?"  The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here.  Better than I could have ever expected.  And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"