Run That By Me Again
The following are stories, some funny, some serious, that have been sent to me. If you know
who the author is for any of these stories, please let me know so I can
give credit. If any author objects to the use of their material
on this site, I will remove it. New pieces are added on top of each section.
Happy IVGLDSW Day!
Today is International Very good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!"
Some More Quotes
Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the heck happened. Cora Havey Armstrong
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. Unknown
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. Helen hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. Janette Barber
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being--hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. Bette Davis
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen
If you can't be a good example--then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne Barr
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryone Pearson
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over--we'll lament together and plot for our personal world domination whilst boosting each other's self-esteem.
FREE BBQ Grills.
As every Southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the South--outdoor grilling!
I have just found out that there are several stores (not just in the South) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:
I especially like the higher rack--which can be used for keeping things warm!
Just make sure to get a metal one...the Plastic one's don't do so well. (I melted 3 of them.) Ya'll enjoy now! Ya Hear!
Forgive Your Enemies
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
Sick in Church
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
Some Blond Stories
Two Chimps and a Blonde
This blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Yes, I Sure am," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy too," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went toward the San Diego Zoo......
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde woman walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.......
What the heck are you doing here ?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
The Cell Phone and the Blonde
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your stupid act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads, No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, I'm checking my answers."
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back."
Summary of My Last Year on the Computer
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Church Dinner for Eight!!
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize,
In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible.
The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true. She took her son' s hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"
Mommy, "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up."
Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true." Later that day she went to her local fire Department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy --
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire?" "It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.
With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?"
"Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said.
With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and The angels have been singing.." He closed his eyes one last time.
Shoes in Church
I showered and shaved
I adjusted my tie
In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer
As I closed my eyes
Touching my own. I sighed.
I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought,
"This man with the shoes, has no pride
Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
When walking through that door?
Glancing toward the floor.
And the songs of praise began
Sounding proud as he sang.
His hands were raised high
The shoe man's voice from the sky.
And what I threw in was steep.
Into his pockets so deep.
What the shoe man put in
As when silver hits tin.
To tears, and that's no lie.
For tears fell from his eyes.
As is the custom here
And show them all good cheer.
And wanted to meet the shoe man.
I reached over and shook his hand.
And his hair was truly a mess
For being our guest.
I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
But he had a large, wide grin.
Wiping tears from his eyes;
And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"Is not like all the rest.
"To always look my best."
"Before my very long walk
"They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
And I swallowed to hide my tears
For daring to sit so near.
"I know I must look a sight
"Then maybe our souls might unite."
Knowing whatever was said
I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"And taught me, in part,
"Is what is found in his heart."
This shoe man will never know.
That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
The following true story illustrates the power of human concern--even in the face of intense competition.
In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning-disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire school career, while others can be main streamed into conventional Jewish schools. At a Chush fundraising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son Shaya? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?" The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query.
I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that He seeks is in the way people react to this child." He then told the following story about his son Shaya:
One afternoon Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were playing baseball. Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But Shaya's father understood that if his son were chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging. Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shaya could play.
The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning." Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly. Shaya was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, Shaya was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it. However, as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at least be able to make contact.
The first pitch came in and Shaya swung clumsily and missed. One of Shaya's teammates came up to Shaya and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya. As the pitch came in, Shaya and his teammate swung the bat and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shaya would have been out and that would have ended the game.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shaya, run to first. Run to first!" Never in his life had Shaya run to first. He scampered down the baseline wide eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman that would tag out Shaya, who was still running.
But, the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." Shaya ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shaya reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shaya run home!" Shaya ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grandslam" and won the game for his team.
"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."
Published by Mesorah Publications Ltd, Brooklyn, NY.
Order from Artscroll
The OJ Trial as told by Dr. Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I stayed at home that fearful night
when I came home, I had a gash.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
My trial lasted for a year.
Did you do this awful crime?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not hit her from above.
The glove you see it doesn't fit.
The jury came back, verdict in hand,
And now I'm free, I can return,
Where is God?
Two little brothers had become the terrors of their neighborhood. They were in constant trouble at school and had every neighbor irritated.
The mother asked her priest to talk to them. The gentleman told the mother he wished to speak to the boys one at a time.
The youngest one went to the church first and was ushered into the study. There he looked across a huge desk at his priest who said, "My son, where is God?"
The child looked around the room, but made no answer, so the priest asked with more insistence, "Where is God?
Obviously agitated and squirming the mischief maker had no answer so after a very long silence, the priest got out of his chair, stood right by the kid's chair looking like he wanted no more funny business, demanded, "Where is God?"
At that the boy jumped from his chair and bolted out the door.
He ran all the way to his house and his own room. He pulled his bigger
brother into their closet, the closet where they planned all their mischief
and in the dark he gasped, "We are in b-i-i-i-g trouble. God's missing
and they think we did it!"
Y-to-K a SERIOUS Issue
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
As well as:
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y-to-K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.
Yeltsin, Clinton, Gates & God
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people-Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people,
"I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three
most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been
Winner of Darwin Awards
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents.
To read more Darwin Awards go to: Official
Darwin Awards website or go to: http://www.officialdarwinawards.com/index.html
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown, had a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about
to ask what had made for such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Play on Words
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Entropy isn't what it used to be
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
My reality check just bounced
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!
IRS - Be audit you can be
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Some Computer Humor
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF RAWHIDE !
Loading, loading, loading,
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Tighten, tweaking', smoothen,
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Jesus Is Watching
A burglar is in a darkened house going through drawers when he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He is startled, but keeps stealing. Again he hears the voice: "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shines his flashlight around the room until it shines on a parrot in a cage. He goes up to the parrot and says, "Is your name Jesus?"
The parrot replies, "My name is 'Moses."
The burglar laughs and says, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot responds, "The same kind who would name their pit bull
Jesus." And Jesus is watching you!"
How Many ???? Does it Take To Screw in a Light Bulb?
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many college football players does it take to change a light
How many figure skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many dysfunctional family members does it take to screw in a
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Darn clock always was slow."
FEDEX just bought out UPS. The new company is going to be called "FEDUP".
He came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting, "honey I am home!" What should he see but his friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
Jack was looking over greeting cards.
The salesman said, "Here's a nice one == "TO THE ONLY GIRL I EVER LOVED."
"Great," said Jack. "I'll take six."
There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
St. Peter and the Consultant?
There was a woman who was a consultant. Every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a consultant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the consultant.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went down-down - down to hell. The doors opened and the consultant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends and fellow consultants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
The consultant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The consultant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. S he saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the consultant, yesterday I
was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
Another Blond Story
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold
The blonde says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her blonde
She said, "It's a thermos."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Is It Full Yet?
One day a time management expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?"
He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied.
He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!"
Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
What are the 'big rocks' in your life?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
The Perfect Story
The Perfect Woman
The Cat in the Box
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"