Like opening a closet door
Then trying to clean it out
I don’t know what to do with them
I have to look at each one, decide to keep it or not to keep it
Then throw it out or find a place for it—
 A place only to be seen on some rare occassion
 Or where it is in view each day to remember, to feel
But even those things you toss sometimes have a way of getting back.

Even good ones bring pain
Perhaps even more than the bad 
Because then I’m reminded of what is lost to me
What can never be regained
They are but memories, but
It feels like today
They are so close, so real, so very painful
My eyes sting with unbidden tears
My heart crushing beneath the weight
My entire body feels the pain, the loss.

The thoughts— feelings—the “If only’s”
For a fleeting moment I even think, “We can do that again?”
Only to be reminded that we never will, never can
And it all comes crashing back
Will I ever enjoy pleasure from these memories
Will I ever again laugh at the funny things we did or said
Smile at the fun times we shared
Or will the memories forever be shrouded in pain.

by annie 

copyright: 1991: annie  All Rights Reserved